Dear You

I do not know what to say
I do not know what to hope
I believe in the first sight
I believe in the power of the eye

I love everything about him
I want to know about him
He's one of the favorite boy
I ever see

I fall in love
Like i ever love someone that i used to know
I fall in your eyes

My heart can not stop beating
Even for a while
Even for a minute

You are the awesome paranoia
You are the beauty of God's creature
You are the main of my mind

You are my dear.

This is a reality of life

Yesterday
Around 6.30 pm

I feel sad. Just sad.
Staring at my phone screen and read word by word a text from the very best hero in my entire life.
It was like a simple question pop up in my text message screen.
I don't think that will be going to make me suffer and surender.
I just think at that time that was just a simple question like he always sent.
But yesterday not only about a "how are you" "what are you doing" "how's college" "when will you get the test" "what do you eat" question.
That was very scary, even scarier than the conjuring or insidious 2.
He was asking me the most difficult question i ever imagine. It was really beyond expectation. Harder than intermediate accounting  final exam.
I couldn't breathe, i just staring at my phone, my sight was getting blur. And i just about to cry but i knew i have to handle this.
He asked me this question.
"In 2 years later I will going to be retaired, what should i do after that?"
What should i answer?
I pretend i don't read that message. Then i replied about 30minutes later.
I am sad. Still sad.
I was crying.

It feels like i am the most stupid daughter in the world.
How can i can't be a proud daughter for them. How can i always ruin my life.
I am a terrible mess. Really.

But then i know.
I realize something.
I am getting older.
I am being an adult now.
Half adult.
I have a very big responsibility.
I just can't rely on him anymore.
Not more.
I have to stand up by my feet.
Holding my own soulder.
Walk by my own sweat.
This is scary.
This is the scariest part of this life.
When you finally got this choice.

He will be retired in less than 2years.
It means i must feed my self.
I must be a grown up child.
But i just don't know.
I just think that i want always be like 7years old young girl playing babydoll.
Life must be very easier.

But now i am 20. Not in 7 or 17 years old.
I have to be a ready to face this hurt truth.
But you know, life is just is.
And life is just was.
Not even will and want.
This is the reality of life.
Holding on your self for something.

Adore

It's not a love story so don't judge me
This is neither a sad poetry so don't be melancholy
These words are the most honest sentence i ever tell everybody

I am just a common girl don't be rude
You are just another people just be quite
But he is a smile to every heart beat :-)

He used to be a stranger
He used to be an outsider
He used to be my admiration
He always be my 'i don't know what happen with my self' when he's around

But now

He is my dream catcher
He is and he was
He is my morning and night
He always is
He is my flower to a beautiful bee

I adore him
I always
And always
Always
And always

He is so adorable
He is a lovable man
He always
And always
And I adore him
Always
And always.

A Cup of Hot Chocolate

Who calm you down when you are alone?
Who make you warm when you need a hug?
Who will save your tears from the smooky eyes?

Sometimes you do not need a person, personally
Sometimes you do not need a word to explain
Sometimes all you need is a nice smell
Sometimes all you want is a nice meal

Or sometimes all you need the most is a cup of hot chocolate.

Kepada Embun Pagi

Kepada embun pagi disetiap mimpi
Dapatkah kau bangun lebih dini?
Kecup keningku sehangat mentari
Lalu rangkul tanganku seperti bidadari

Kepada embun pagi disetiap mimpi
Aku memujamu seperti bulan mengelilingi matahari tiada henti
Aku menghela nafas setiap kulihat wajah yang ku curi

Kepada embun pagi disetiap mimpi
Cintai aku dalam setiap darah mengalir di nadi
Cintai aku selalu seperti aku selalu mencintaimu hari ini.

Ps: this poem made over 6months ago.

When?

I want to speak
I want to scream
I want to understand
I want to know
I want to answer
But, when?

I want to be understood
I want to be calmed
I want to be noticed
I want to be accompanied
I want to be listened
But, when?

I want you know
I want you understand
I want you stop
I want you listen
I want you care
But, when?

I want to give up
I want to stop
I want to hide
I want to disappear
I want to go
But, when?

When will I?

I want a time
I want a space
I want an ear
To understand
To hear me

When will I?