Yesterday
Around 6.30 pm
I feel sad. Just sad.
Staring at my phone screen and read word by word a text from the very best hero in my entire life.
It was like a simple question pop up in my text message screen.
I don't think that will be going to make me suffer and surender.
I just think at that time that was just a simple question like he always sent.
But yesterday not only about a "how are you" "what are you doing" "how's college" "when will you get the test" "what do you eat" question.
That was very scary, even scarier than the conjuring or insidious 2.
He was asking me the most difficult question i ever imagine. It was really beyond expectation. Harder than intermediate accounting final exam.
I couldn't breathe, i just staring at my phone, my sight was getting blur. And i just about to cry but i knew i have to handle this.
He asked me this question.
"In 2 years later I will going to be retaired, what should i do after that?"
What should i answer?
I pretend i don't read that message. Then i replied about 30minutes later.
I am sad. Still sad.
I was crying.
It feels like i am the most stupid daughter in the world.
How can i can't be a proud daughter for them. How can i always ruin my life.
I am a terrible mess. Really.
But then i know.
I realize something.
I am getting older.
I am being an adult now.
Half adult.
I have a very big responsibility.
I just can't rely on him anymore.
Not more.
I have to stand up by my feet.
Holding my own soulder.
Walk by my own sweat.
This is scary.
This is the scariest part of this life.
When you finally got this choice.
He will be retired in less than 2years.
It means i must feed my self.
I must be a grown up child.
But i just don't know.
I just think that i want always be like 7years old young girl playing babydoll.
Life must be very easier.
But now i am 20. Not in 7 or 17 years old.
I have to be a ready to face this hurt truth.
But you know, life is just is.
And life is just was.
Not even will and want.
This is the reality of life.
Holding on your self for something.
